Intentionality Deficit Disorder

I was shopping a few nights ago at that temple devoted to American capitalism. Because I like to shop late at night, in the hopes I won't have to interact with an actual person (but we'll get to more on that later), the other option in town was closed. When I reached the check-out counter I was forced to interact with the cashier.

He started with the typical, "did you find everything ok?"

 I responded, "yes, how are you doing tonight?"

Now, I could be wrong,  my understanding of the current proper cultural greeting is that you ask how the other person is and they respond with "fine or good or well, etc..." That is a greeting I understand. It seems personal, yet no one is supposed to answer honestly, right? At the very least not to a stranger! So, I knew what to expect. It was a safe way to appear to "conversate" without actually doing anything.

I waited for the typical response and the inevitable comment about the weather.

It didn't happen.

Instead, my new friend said, "not well, its been tough this week."

You know the scenes in war movies, with a submarine, where something bad happens and all those red lights start flashing with loud alarms...yeah, that's a real thing (or at least it was in my head that night). I hate to admit it but I considered leaving the stuff I was going to buy and walking out. Horrified that I was now seemingly obligated to hold a conversation with this man I frantically searched for something to say.  

That's when I heard myself ask, "what's been going on?"

What a stupid question. What a stupid interaction. The conversation that followed, was just that, a conversation. I didn't say anything amazing. I didn't solve any of this guy's issues. I mostly listened. 

I hope it was enough.

Here's a little something you might not know about me. I don't like people. That is not to say that I dislike people. In fact, I aggressively don't dislike people. (deal with it) I wouldn't do the job that I do, if i didn't care deeply about what happened to people. I'm just not particularly interested in meeting new people. After I meet them I typically enjoy continuing to get to know them. It's just the first interaction or two that I hate. Plus, with the work I do, I am forced to interact with people I don't know on a daily basis. So, when I go to the store to pick up groceries my mindset is, "which bag of chips should I buy" not, "how can I help save the world tonight." 

While in school, I had this concept pounded into my skull, Be Intentional. Intentionality in our actions was heralded as the best way to impact the world with the love of Christ. And I absolutely agree. Whether it is the preparation I put in to the events I do, the way I choose my words when I am in conversations, or a simple openness to the interruptions that naturally occur throughout a typical day. However, at the store, late at night, I'm not ready. In those moments I suffer from Intentionality Deficit Disorder (yes I made it up). I know I'm not alone in this. I'm sure there are others who despite our best intentions agree, that suddenly realizing someone needs to experience the love of our God, and I've been picked as the ambassador of that love, is one of the scariest moments. 

I don't have a solution to offer you. I expect that I will "suffer" from Intentionality Deficit Disorder for the rest of my life. My prayer for myself and you as well is, that in those moments when love is needed, we are willing to supply food for the hungry, to invite the cold into shelter and to allow ourselves to ask silly questions like,"what's been going on?"

I hope it will be enough.

Sunday School Wisdom: Be Careful Little Mouth...

So, its been awhile...

I noticed this past month that I was struggling with how to use my words. Not with how to put sentences together, though that does happen sometimes and is hilarious. I have been struggling with using my words to edify and build up the greater body of Christ.

When I was in jr. high and early high school I had a lot of trouble controlling my temper. Not just would I lose control of my words, though that did happen often. Nor was it a matter of resorting to physical force, though that also happened. I would lose control of me even to the deepest part of my thoughts. I would fixate, and be unable to focus on anything but my anger. This is not a problem unique to me, I have known and continue to meet people who have gone through or are experiencing similar things. I tell you this simply so you understand that there are times when this seed of anger deep in me tries to sprout into a full blown plant and take over my heart, take over me. 

I believe some strong things about human existence, its relation to God, how God views humanity and what God expects of humanity's interactions with...well itself. To be simple, my theology requires that I conform to a non-violent lifestyle. Whatever that means, and don't ask me too many questions because I'm still trying to figure this stuff out, probably will be my whole life.

I believe that the New Testament has very clear calls for those who follow Christ to pursue non-violence in every aspect of their lives (look for a future post on this). There is more to my understanding than just saying Romans 13 doesn't justify Christian participation in the military. I'm not just a pacifist! There is more to my understanding than just a Matthew 5 "expose their evil" reasoning. I'm not just pro-peaceful-aggression! I have to control every part of my life, all the way down to my thoughts. I take them captive, and I beat myself into submission! (Rather violent language to describe a life of "non".) 

When I tell you then, that I was angry these past few weeks, you and I understand why that might be a problem. It was almost like I had been transported back in time. It wasn't just me becoming physically violent. That happens, its the hardest to hide, but it is the easiest to control. (I've been practicing control most of my life.) It wasn't just angry thoughts. Those happen, they are the hardest to control, but the easiest to hide. (I've been practicing hiding them most of my life.)

I noticed this past month that my words were getting the better of me. My words were exposing the anger in my thoughts. My thoughts were exposing the anger in my heart. And so it goes. It got bad. There were times I would read something on social media or hear something in conversation and lose it. I would be unable to function or think about anything else for days! I believe in most of those cases I was aware enough to keep myself from responding, or at least tone my responses down, A LOT. (There were plenty of comments typed out on Facebook that only needed to be set free by a little tap on the "enter" key that would probably have ruined someone's day.) This morning I woke up with that ridiculous Sunday School song in my head, "Oh, be careful little mouth what you say..." 

So, its been awhile...