Intentionality Deficit Disorder

I was shopping a few nights ago at that temple devoted to American capitalism. Because I like to shop late at night, in the hopes I won't have to interact with an actual person (but we'll get to more on that later), the other option in town was closed. When I reached the check-out counter I was forced to interact with the cashier.

He started with the typical, "did you find everything ok?"

 I responded, "yes, how are you doing tonight?"

Now, I could be wrong,  my understanding of the current proper cultural greeting is that you ask how the other person is and they respond with "fine or good or well, etc..." That is a greeting I understand. It seems personal, yet no one is supposed to answer honestly, right? At the very least not to a stranger! So, I knew what to expect. It was a safe way to appear to "conversate" without actually doing anything.

I waited for the typical response and the inevitable comment about the weather.

It didn't happen.

Instead, my new friend said, "not well, its been tough this week."

You know the scenes in war movies, with a submarine, where something bad happens and all those red lights start flashing with loud alarms...yeah, that's a real thing (or at least it was in my head that night). I hate to admit it but I considered leaving the stuff I was going to buy and walking out. Horrified that I was now seemingly obligated to hold a conversation with this man I frantically searched for something to say.  

That's when I heard myself ask, "what's been going on?"

What a stupid question. What a stupid interaction. The conversation that followed, was just that, a conversation. I didn't say anything amazing. I didn't solve any of this guy's issues. I mostly listened. 

I hope it was enough.

Here's a little something you might not know about me. I don't like people. That is not to say that I dislike people. In fact, I aggressively don't dislike people. (deal with it) I wouldn't do the job that I do, if i didn't care deeply about what happened to people. I'm just not particularly interested in meeting new people. After I meet them I typically enjoy continuing to get to know them. It's just the first interaction or two that I hate. Plus, with the work I do, I am forced to interact with people I don't know on a daily basis. So, when I go to the store to pick up groceries my mindset is, "which bag of chips should I buy" not, "how can I help save the world tonight." 

While in school, I had this concept pounded into my skull, Be Intentional. Intentionality in our actions was heralded as the best way to impact the world with the love of Christ. And I absolutely agree. Whether it is the preparation I put in to the events I do, the way I choose my words when I am in conversations, or a simple openness to the interruptions that naturally occur throughout a typical day. However, at the store, late at night, I'm not ready. In those moments I suffer from Intentionality Deficit Disorder (yes I made it up). I know I'm not alone in this. I'm sure there are others who despite our best intentions agree, that suddenly realizing someone needs to experience the love of our God, and I've been picked as the ambassador of that love, is one of the scariest moments. 

I don't have a solution to offer you. I expect that I will "suffer" from Intentionality Deficit Disorder for the rest of my life. My prayer for myself and you as well is, that in those moments when love is needed, we are willing to supply food for the hungry, to invite the cold into shelter and to allow ourselves to ask silly questions like,"what's been going on?"

I hope it will be enough.